[just not tonight]
Bear with me, if you will, for another moment of self introspection.
It's not that important, really.
But it is to me.
Things in my life are changing, as I knew they would, and I find myself constantly analyzing and re-analyzing and over-analyzing my decisions to the point of paralysis. I need to figure it out. I need to write. The words will tell me what to do.
I've often said that I don't understand the question, "who am I?" Why waste so much time trying to figure out who the world thinks you ought to be? Be the person you want to be. Maybe it's time I spend a moment or two figuring out who I want to be.
Annie is sleeping in my lap as I write this. I frequently find myself wondering just how she could mean so much to me... but she does. She keeps me grounded. She keeps me here.
There is an upcoming situation in my life that has added to my internal distress. It's also caused me to reflect on something I wrote a few months ago:
We all like to think we're good people. We all have different ideas of what this means - for most, it's as simple as playing nice with others, going to church on Sunday, calling your mom once a week and not littering (at least not when people are looking).
But for some, life experiences force the question of what defines a "good" person into more existential realms. Situations become murky; shades of gray clutter and overwhelm our decisions and perspectives become skewed in the dim light of our own self interest.
I've learned not to judge others for their own sense of self preservation, and that survival instinct is the birth mother to all defense mechanisms. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with the conflicting feelings that are too often the norm in our lives; some are healthier than others. I don't judge - but it's important to remember that sometimes self destruction has civilian casualties.
In my mind, a good person is someone who recognizes the illogical, irrational tendencies and impulses within one's self and works actively to correct them; someone who understands the value of self sacrifice versus sacrifice of self; someone who tempers unconditional love with reason.
Happiness is a choice. Being a good person is a choice. They're not always easy choices - but we have the freedom of will to choose how we react to the situations in our lives. Sometimes the situations aren't pleasant, and we don't always have a wide range of options available to us. But we always get to control how we feel about it, and how we treat the people around us.
There is a difference, I think, between straightening your spine and stiffening it.
A difference between living for the moment, and living without regard for the future.
A difference between recognizing your mistakes and actually learning from them.
So who do I aspire to be?
Someone who is
Strong. Wise. Intelligent. Passionate. Fearless. Kind. Faithful. Caring. Courageous. Adventurous. Driven. Level-headed. Persistant. Successful. Clever. Honest. Generous. Open minded. Hard working. Charitable. Loving. Loved. Easy going. Optimistic. In awe. Awe-inspiring. Playful. Humorous. Healthy. Stylish. Unique. Unafraid. Supportive. Incredible. Beautiful. Brainy. Boundless. Unshakeable. Comfortable. Classy. Charming. Decisive. Capable. Sexy. Alluring. Enchanting. Cultured. Diligent. Interesting. Grateful. At peace. Whole.
A good person.
Some of these things I already am. Others are things I need to work on. And I'm going to.
Today, I will try a little harder.
Today, I will be a little stronger.
Today, I will be a little better.
The Wheel weeps for no one, but the Universe gives you another chance to get it right with every breath you take. Take advantage of that; those chances are numerous but not limitless.