the first step is the one you believe in

black & gray color block sweater :: maurice's | black checked trousers :: charlotte russe | messenger bag :: ebay (similar) | sunglasses :: charlotte russe | starfish cuff :: c/o shopcalico | layered turquoise necklace :: 2bravegirls (get it here)

These photos are from my trip to Idaho Falls with my mother last week. I've done quite a bit of thinking since then, and I've finally made some important decisions. My ultimate goal in life is to spend more time doing thing I enjoy, and seeing beautiful pieces of the world, and less time doing things I hate and that steal away pieces of my soul. Now, I just have to figure out how I'm going to get there.

a desk is a dangerous place from which to view the world.

-John le Carre

I stumbled across this quote in an article I'm still the process of reading, but it hit me with such force that I had to stop reading. I needed a moment to process and to think and to write out the jumble of shit inside my head. This isn't the first time I've heard/read this quote, but I find it particularly striking (and relevant) at this time in my life, when I'm struggling to come to terms with what I want out my life, and what the world thinks I should want.

Despite being two days short (one for a holiday and one for a funeral), last week felt like the longest week of the year thus far. Aside from the personal difficulties brought on by the death of an important family member, there have been a number of issues at work that seemed to culminate into one massive, epic breakdown on Thursday and into Friday. I feel like I'm still teetering on the edge, like a seal in the circus, but I feel like that edge could the one of something great, or one of something desperate. On one side, I feel a new sense of resolve and purpose swelling up; on the other, the intense emptiness that stands ahead if I remain on this path. Shit is about to get real, and I have a choice to make.

I can choose to smother this fire, as I have so often in the past, for fear of failure, of outshining someone else, of hurting someone's feelings, of looking dumb.
I can choose to listen to that negative, "rational" voice inside my head that says shit like that doesn't happen to someone like me.
I can choose to continue being mediocre for the rest of my fucking life.

OR

I can choose to embrace it, to meet it head on and allow myself to be swept up with it.
I can choose to make those ambitious plans and actually follow through with them.
I can choose to be brave, to take a risk, force myself out of to destroy this uncomfortable comfort zone I've caged myself into and build something new, something ridiculous, something better.
I can choose to become the person I've always aspired to be.

I will not waste my life working for someone else's dream.

I'm so sick of staring at the gorgeous view outside my office window. I'm tired of writing falsely enthusiastic bullshit and pretending it's all I'm capable of right now. I'm so angry at myself for letting things get to this point (again).

I'm 26. I'm single. I have no children. I have shit I need to do to get my life pointed in the direction I want to go, and obligations to no one but myself. So what the hell am I doing?

For the last two years?
Nothing. Not a goddamn fucking thing.

For the next two years?
The next two years are going to be epic.

And everyone who ever told me that I couldn't, that I wouldn't, that I shouldn't-
They're going to realize just how irrelevant they are.