warning :: prepare for some epic shiz

white & orange striped tee :: H&M (love this version) | cutoff denim shorts :: L.E.I. (similar) | braided taupe sandals :: forever 21 (similar) | straw fedora :: maurice's (similar) | bangles :: my sister's | sunglasses :: charlotte russe | straw purse :: vintage (similar) | silver arrowhead necklace :: forever 21 (sold out, but I love this one) | dia de las muertos skull bead earrings :: Tooele Arts Festival vendor (similar coming soon to the shop) | yellow scarf :: wet seal (old, but similar here)

Celebrated Independence Day with a family BBQ and a very basic look; white tees and cutoff denim shorts define iconic American style.

Tonight's post started out as a lecture on flag etiquette, then moved into some lengthy, existential explanation as to why the blog has been so conspicuously silent over the last week, but upon revision of the finished text, I determined it was just too damn whiny. What it amounts to, friends, is that I've wasted the last two years under the guise of putting my life back together, and I'm ready to move on and bring it on. Enter:

26 before 27

Prepare for some epic shiz.

1. Buy a car.
2. Find my writing voice.
3. Top Secret. (This one will only be revealed upon completion. Intrigued? Stay tuned.)
4. Reach 300 blog followers.
5. Rock red lipstick (in public and in a style post).
6. Impress myself. Twice.
7. Meet some new people. Make some new friends.
8. Go for a walk...
     -In the rain
     -In the sunshine
     -In the snow
     -In the middle of the night
     -Somewhere I've never been
     -In the middle of nowhere
     -In the middle of somewhere
     -To clear my head
     -On the beach
     -With Annie
9. Write a book.
10. Write a letter (by hand) to someone I admire. Send it.
11. Go somewhere I've never been before... by myself.
12. Take a random road trip.
13. Learn to sew.
14. Design, create and wear five items of clothing.
15. Open an Etsy shop.
16. Move out of my parents' house.
17. Get healthy.
18. Try a new (nice) restaurant.
19. Have a glass of expensive (>$150) wine.
20. Go ice skating.
21. Start taking classes.
22. Go to the beach.
23. Challenge myself. Daily.
24. Make a difference.
25. Find and implement a new blogging vantage point.
26. Publish three articles.
27. Write, every day, every word, every dream, every feeling, however fleeting. Write like no one is reading. Write to remember. Write to forget. Write to let it go and write to keep it in. Write, until my heart bleeds all over the pages and the words run together and one moment becomes indistinguishable from the next. Write, because no one will ever be me again [and I'm damn well worth remembering].

I invite you to hate. To judge. To pass by. To join in. To become wrapped up in. To write your own list, and to accomplish it. We'll do it together. Leave a link to your list of epicness in the comments so I can check it out.

Also :: Tune in tomorrow night for the secret to applying tanning lotion + the scoop on how I achieved split end-less hair in less than three weeks - without giving up daily heat styling.

6

the second one might be profound

daisy sun dress :: vintage (find a similar one here) | nude wedges :: forever 21 | leather bowling bag :: twin falls leather (similar here) | camera girl necklace :: c/o luce & alati | bangles :: vintage | turquoise ring :: pacsun (similar here) | beverage :: orange creme shake from arby's (cuz it's good mood food)

I typically try to do more with this dress - a belted waist, cute blazer, fun tights, whatever - but the heat was so oppressive yesterday that just convincing myself to wear a padded bra usurped all of my courage to accessorize, and all I was left with were a few mismatched items of jewelry. Besides, on a sweltering day such as this, could there a be a better accessory than an Orange Creme Shake?

This bowling-esque bag is my new and true love. It has about a dozen and a half pockets for me to stuff and organize and carry my life in, and it's beautiful. I've been searching for a bowling bag style purse at a decent price, and stumbled upon this one on my recent sojourn to Idaho with my mother. We stopped at a gas station after a brief stint in the tubs at Lava Hot Springs, where she found her soulmate in the form of a lovely black shopper of the same brand (if you knew my mother, you would understand just how cataclysmic that statement is). I purchased both, as well as third in the form of a charcoal messenger bag for my little sister. The best part? They were only $30 each.

The remainder of today's post is the second in a possibly infinite series of sporadic posts that involve self exploration and exploitation. See the first here.

Because the truth is, as bloggers - as creative, talented bloggers - we exploit ourselves. We use our lives, our love, our pain, our truth, our debt, our joy and our sorrow, and turn it into this beautiful fantasy of [non]fiction for the enjoyment of our readers.

There are a lot of terrible and mediocre bloggers out there, and sprinkled amongst them are some good ones. Even some great ones. Some are (hugely) popular; most aren't. And then there are those who rise above the rest, for whom blogging becomes as much an art medium as painting or writing or acting or math (because, yes, math can be art). But in order to achieve this level of artistry, you have to give yourself over entirely to the process. To the method. You have to know who you are and not be ashamed of it. You have to flaunt your flaws as your strengths, push yourself beyond your self-perceived limits, and never be afraid to air your dirty laundry in public, to hell with what grandma says.

In that vein, some self revelating is in order.

33 things I probably haven't told you

1. I am a writer. Despite all other titles, jobs and roles I may have in this life, I have and will always consider myself a writer, first and foremost.
2. I find it difficult to relate to people, probably because I feel like I'm trapped inside my own head most of the time.
3. I have a bit of an ego. Despite my often self deprecating nature and my aversion to making other people feel bad, I know that I'm smarter than most other people, and I have a tendency to flaunt that when I'm pissed.
4. I have accepted that I am not an expert at everything. The most important part of always being right is knowing when to admit that you're wrong.
5. My biggest fear is that I will spend my life stuck behind a desk or in a file room.
6. I have an intense hatred for the word great. Great isn't good enough for me; I need epic.
7. I am a jack of all trades and master of many, but there is nothing I love more than history, fashion and writing.
8. I am very close with my family, despite the fact that they drive me nucking futs.
9. There are a lot of things I want to be when I grow up. Fashion designer, stylist to the stars, published author, magazine writer/editor, and university professor are a few that top the list.
10. I'm tired of saying, "when I grow up." I am grown up, and I'm ready to start being.
11. I have some pretty damn awesome friends, most of whom I don't get to see nearly enough.
12. I hate blue skies and sunshine, and I get oddly depressed throughout the summer. Give me rain, snow, fog and cold and I'll give you a smile and a laugh.
13. I eat. A lot. Coworkers are still trying to reconcile my love of food with my 5'7"/128lbs frame.
14. I have not had a drop of alcohol nor an illicit substance in over eight months. So where's my cookie?
15. I actually kind of like my day job, but that's only because of my awesome co-workers.
16. I was always the "teacher's pet" in school. In fact, I got away with a helluva lot in high school because they were under the impression I was a good kid. And I was... except for my distaste for actually going to class or doing the assignments.
17. I moved five times in the course of 18 months. That sucked.
18. I make Michael Moore look conservative. And I make no apology for that - but I also understand that few issues are as blatantly black and white as the political pundits make them out to be, and that compromise is the best (and only) way we will ever solve our nation's problems and make this silly experiment in democracy work.
19. I often wonder what it's like to be a "morning person". I usually regret it when I get to the AM part of the day though.
20. I have a very odd memory. I frequently forget important things and shit I'm supposed to do, but I will remember random trivia and seemingly unimportant events for years. Weird.
21. I keep a hand written journal. I believe that hand written communication, even with oneself, is one of the most honest forms there is.
22. Having money causes me intense anxiety - which is why I usually spend it so fast.
23. It's almost impossible for me to hold a grudge. Even if I think I want to hate someone, my anger usually fades pretty fast, and then I just feel dumb-which I also get over pretty quickly. I have, however, learned my lesson about trusting someone who has hurt me repeatedly.
24. I embrace my occasional stupidity, because I have accepted that I am smarter than most other people, most of the time. (refer to numbers 3 & 4)
25. "I'll Follow You" by Shinedown is on constant repeat inside my head right now.
26. There has only been one relationship in my life that I actually thought would last... but it didn't. I have also come to terms with the fact that, although I am not perfect, I am not the one who messed it up. (a note to my other exes: I'm sorry. It wasn't because I didn't want it, or you; it was because I couldn't - see number 2.)
27. My two year old nephew is my favorite person in the world.
28. And my 19 year old sister/business partner is also my best friend. Side note - I really love saying "my business partner."
29. I've made a lot of mistakes in my 26 years of life, but my only true regret is that I haven't traveled very much. This is a situation which I intend to rectify over the next few years.
30. I've never bought a car. Another situation which will soon be remedied.
31. I really like living in Utah. I'm not LDS (or even close to it), but I have to admit - the Mormons run a pretty tight (and clean, and lovely) ship.
32. But there are at least a dozen other places I want to live in my lifetime, including LA, San Fran, the Pacific Northwest, Alaska, NYC, India, London, Paris - to name just a few.
33. I want to be a fighter pilot when I grow up. Read the X-Wing series by Michael Stackpole and Aaron Allston and I guarantee you will want to be a pilot by the end of the first book too.

Psst... Check out the inspiration for this post, from Corbett Barr's blog, here.
Edited-5 June: Minor tweaks only - fixed some grammar, added a couple of details, included a label and inserted a link or two.

4

the first step is the one you believe in

black & gray color block sweater :: maurice's | black checked trousers :: charlotte russe | messenger bag :: ebay (similar) | sunglasses :: charlotte russe | starfish cuff :: c/o shopcalico | layered turquoise necklace :: 2bravegirls (get it here)

These photos are from my trip to Idaho Falls with my mother last week. I've done quite a bit of thinking since then, and I've finally made some important decisions. My ultimate goal in life is to spend more time doing thing I enjoy, and seeing beautiful pieces of the world, and less time doing things I hate and that steal away pieces of my soul. Now, I just have to figure out how I'm going to get there.

a desk is a dangerous place from which to view the world.

-John le Carre

I stumbled across this quote in an article I'm still the process of reading, but it hit me with such force that I had to stop reading. I needed a moment to process and to think and to write out the jumble of shit inside my head. This isn't the first time I've heard/read this quote, but I find it particularly striking (and relevant) at this time in my life, when I'm struggling to come to terms with what I want out my life, and what the world thinks I should want.

Despite being two days short (one for a holiday and one for a funeral), last week felt like the longest week of the year thus far. Aside from the personal difficulties brought on by the death of an important family member, there have been a number of issues at work that seemed to culminate into one massive, epic breakdown on Thursday and into Friday. I feel like I'm still teetering on the edge, like a seal in the circus, but I feel like that edge could the one of something great, or one of something desperate. On one side, I feel a new sense of resolve and purpose swelling up; on the other, the intense emptiness that stands ahead if I remain on this path. Shit is about to get real, and I have a choice to make.

I can choose to smother this fire, as I have so often in the past, for fear of failure, of outshining someone else, of hurting someone's feelings, of looking dumb.
I can choose to listen to that negative, "rational" voice inside my head that says shit like that doesn't happen to someone like me.
I can choose to continue being mediocre for the rest of my fucking life.

OR

I can choose to embrace it, to meet it head on and allow myself to be swept up with it.
I can choose to make those ambitious plans and actually follow through with them.
I can choose to be brave, to take a risk, force myself out of to destroy this uncomfortable comfort zone I've caged myself into and build something new, something ridiculous, something better.
I can choose to become the person I've always aspired to be.

I will not waste my life working for someone else's dream.

I'm so sick of staring at the gorgeous view outside my office window. I'm tired of writing falsely enthusiastic bullshit and pretending it's all I'm capable of right now. I'm so angry at myself for letting things get to this point (again).

I'm 26. I'm single. I have no children. I have shit I need to do to get my life pointed in the direction I want to go, and obligations to no one but myself. So what the hell am I doing?

For the last two years?
Nothing. Not a goddamn fucking thing.

For the next two years?
The next two years are going to be epic.

And everyone who ever told me that I couldn't, that I wouldn't, that I shouldn't-
They're going to realize just how irrelevant they are.

2