I've found, over the years, that I have a tendency to make a lot of plans and set a lot of goals for myself. I am usually very much committed to them at the time of their making, but I lack follow through in a pretty serious way. I get caught up in other things. I get worn out. I get frustrated. I don't have time right now, I'll do it tomorrow. I never seem to have the time or the energy to devote myself to the things I love, the things that make me happy. I spend 45-50 hours or more each week at work, and by the time I'm done I'm so exhausted I just want to sleep; then I get caught up watching TV or my nephew or helping my family, and before I know it, it's several hours past my bedtime (and usually only a few hours before I have to be up for work).
There are definitely things I need to change in my life. Habits and tendencies that need to be modified or abolished altogether. I really think that if I could just start getting enough sleep during the week, it would solve my lack of time/energy/willpower issues.
I haven't bothered with setting New Year's resolutions in years... honestly, I think they're a bit silly and utterly useless. They typically last only so far as the end of January, and then are forgotten, just like last year's lofty intentions.
I'm tired of intentions. Of resolutions. Of planning.
Gods, I'm just so damn tired.
It's the weekend though, and while I have a ton of stuff to get done, number one on my list is to get some sleep. I realize that I'm typing this at 2am, but I have a lot on my mind that I need to work out before I can sleep. Actions to initiate. Progress to be made.
I've had the same layout on my blog since I started this one nearly a year ago, so I decided it was time for a change. I still love the other template, but change is good, even necessary sometimes. Maybe this change will help me to kick off a fresh year for my blog, one of productivity and growth. The primary issue that's been inhibiting these things is my lack of direction, of focus. I wasn't really positive what I wanted it to be, so I've had a hard time investing any time or work into it. But now, I have an idea, or several, that are finally starting to take coherent shape inside my head. I've really discovered a lot about myself, my personal style, what I want and who I am over the last year, and I think I'm finally ready to start translating that into my blog.
Of course, it seems like it's usually at this point in my life (the point where I feel comfortable and confident in who I am), that things start going nuts and fall apart. I definitely feel like I've almost given up because of this. Sometimes it seems like Life Itself is trying to discourage me from pursuing my dreams or taking any risks or pushing forward with what I want... Maybe there were reasons for that. Maybe I'm too exhausted for existential thought, but I do feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be right now, and I am content for the moment. I have this tendency to get bored, though, and I need something to keep me entertained, to keep me interested in life. That's what this blog is for.
The most important thing, though, is that I can't take it too seriously. I'm sure there will be some weeks that I pour my heart and soul into it, and others that I have to force myself to post. I need to remember that this blog is for me, it is my outlet, my expression, my passion, and here I am held to no one's standards but my own.
Most other fashion and style blogs are primarily image driven; I get that - fashion is a visual language, after all. However, I started blogging because I love to write. I struggle to get outfit posts and images up because I don't have the time, energy or help I need to find/take/create them. In the past, I've felt like this made me a failure as a style blogger. How can I have a fashion blog without pretty outfit photos and a steady stream of inspirational images? I think I've come to accept, though, that while that format works for most style bloggers, it's just not my style. I know that people don't want to wade through a 12 page post on the latest trends, but I do think a beautifully written post can be just as powerful as any image I could show you. I will certainly include them in my posts, and I will be doing so more often in the next few months, but I'm no longer going to beat myself up for not conforming to the Style Blogger Norms any more. This blog is about discovering my voice, my passion, my style... using someone else's map would just hinder the journey.
Here's to 2012, to courage, and to beginning the journey (again).
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