Boredom is the root of all evil - the despairing refusal to be oneself.
I realize that I kinda fail at the blog thing. Well, the regularly updating of the blog, anyway. It's not that I've been busy... I've just been exhausted. I feel like all I do these days is work, watch TV and take care of my nephew. I'm starting to feel fat and lazy, and it's starting to irritate me.-Soren Kierkegaard
But it's late; I have to work in the morning so I should probably get to bed. This is really just a "hi, I'm still alive and I'm okay" post.
I don't really want to sleep. I want to stay up and work. Achieve. Accomplish. There are few things in this world that are more satisfying to me than tangible signs of movement, progress. Like making things, checking things off a to do list, clearing space. Money doesn't seem to bring me that sense of satisfaction; however, buying things with it does.
I've started a new crafty DIY fashion/beauty/journal type project... photos forthcoming; it's a work in progress, but I'll definitely post some pictures and more details soon.
I've also set up a tumblr page. You can find it here: frayed-threads.tumblr.com. I'm still exploring the tumblr universe (and reminding myself to spell it without the e), but so far I'm liking it. Better than twitter even, I think.
Also spent some time trying to get my things a little more organized. Less clutter = less space, less time, less frustration because finding things is ever so much easier. I feel like trying to carve even a tiny niche for myself in this house is a constant battle. I'm hoping to have my bed cubby done soon; sleeping in my living room really sucks. (note: I call it my bed cubby because it barely fits a twin bed and a dresser... what am I going to do with all of my clothes?!)
I'm going to shoot to get up at 6am every weekday from now on; on weekends I'm aiming for 8am. It's really, really early... but I'm always so rushed for time in the mornings because I get up so late, and I always end up being late. I prefer having extra time when putting myself together in the morning; it makes me feel more prepared for the rest of the day. Given that it's now 2:20 in the a.m., I'm thinking it's going to be a struggle today, but I can do it.
I love my family (mostly), but they are so damn negative all the time. I don't even bother telling any of them about my out-there hopes and dreams (like one day being a big shot stylist or designer... le sigh) because I know they'll shoot them down, tell me not to get my hopes up, that I'll never make it. I can specifically remember my older brother telling me, when I was in junior high, that when I got to high school I'd realize that I was nobody, nothing, that I couldn't and wouldn't make a difference.
But I did. I worked my ass off, and while I may not have achieved world peace, I was editor of the school paper my senior year. I was told at least a hundred times that year and nearly as many since that was the best year the paper had had in ages, and it set the tone for some pretty great years after. I loved that paper with all of my heart and soul. I want to find something like it again; something that I'm deeply, passionately passionate about.
I've been told by several people who knew me when I was younger that it was my fire that attracted them to me; the passion I had that drove me into politics and activism, my burning need to change the world.
I don't have that fire any more. It went out, years ago, smothered by the people who were attracted to it the most. He sucked it out of me, with just a few words; a single, brutal email that completely and utterly destroyed the person I was.
I could have been a stronger person; but I wasn't, and he took advantage of that. I thought I'd moved on, but I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm still stuck there, in that one agonizing, suffocating moment; the moment when all my delusions of grandeur shattered and I realized with stark clarity that I was nothing more than an attention-seeking nobody.
But I'll get the fire back. I'll re-light the blaze and I shall go forth and motherfucking conquer because that's just what I do best. I will achieve; I will accomplish; I will succeed.
I can do it because they say I can't.
Today's List of Things I Will Accomplish:
1. Get up @ 6am.
2. Go to work. Be on time. Work hard.
3. Go to Journaling Group @5:30.
4. Work on Project.
5. Meditate & pray, morning & night.
6. Work on bed cubby.
8. Blog post.
10. Look incredible.
This post turned out a lot longer than I intended for it to be. My alarm will be going off in three hours. Should prolly get to bed now...